The Ripon Rabbit
MILWAUKEE, Wis. — In what witnesses are calling “a troubling but not entirely surprising scene,” a local Milwaukee tavern reported that shortly before 2:00 a.m. Tuesday morning, just hours before polls opened across Wisconsin, nearly 240 mail-in absentee ballots were discovered in an advanced state of intoxication.
According to the bar owner, the ballots had allegedly been “hanging around since happy hour,” growing progressively louder, more disoriented, and increasingly unable to explain where they belonged.
“One of them tried to order another round and then just sort of slid off the bar,” said one shaken witness. “They had been drinking all day.”
Another patron, who asked not to be identified due to a pending upcoming election fraud sentencing, described the scene as “complete chaos.”
“They had no idea who they were,” the witness said. “Some of them thought they were still in transit. A few insisted they had already been counted. One just kept yelling that it needed a witness signature and a ride to Racine.”
Concerned for public safety, the owner said he made the responsible decision to call what he referred to as the Post Office Ride Share Program in hopes of getting the curious lot safely home before sunrise.
“We don’t judge here,” the owner said. “If a ballot has had too much to drink, the last thing you want is for it to wander off into the wrong apartment building, wind up in a ditch, or start making bad life decisions in a drop box.”
Early reports suggest several ballots were found slumped near a jukebox, while others were allegedly attempting to form an orderly chain of custody near the pool table before dissolving into confusion. At least one ballot was reportedly seen trying to explain election law to a dartboard.
A spokesperson for no one in particular said officials are still working to determine whether the ballots were merely delayed, temporarily disoriented, or just exercising their right to poor judgment.
“It remains unclear at this time whether the Wisconsin Elections Commission will allow them to be counted,” the spokesperson said, while visibly trying not to laugh. “Much depends on whether they can sober up, verify their address, and remember where they were supposed to be in the first place.”
As of press time, several ballots had reportedly been escorted outside, wrapped in jackets, and advised to “just vote in person next time.”
Local residents say the incident has once again raised serious questions about what happens when ballots spend too much unsupervised time out in the wild.
One nearby voter summed up the mood best:
“Look, I’m not saying every ballot at that bar was up to no good. But if your ballot is closing out the night at a Milwaukee tavern at 1:52 in the morning, maybe the system has a few issues.”
Officials have urged calm and reminded the public that while in-person voting remains boring, predictable, and tragically difficult to satirize, it does significantly reduce the odds of a ballot needing a designated driver.
Meanwhile “election denyers” (you know the type…those that vote on election day, on paper) were seen screaming from rooftops while the ballots are left blowing in the wind!